


light in the dark

by eggplantemily



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 19x05, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Betrayal, Bisexuality, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Complicated - Freeform, Deleted Scenes, Emotional Manipulation, M/M, Season/Series 17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 13:13:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12558132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggplantemily/pseuds/eggplantemily
Summary: One day Sonny will learn to stop wearing his heart on his sleeve.





	light in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i hate this
> 
> i wrote this in literally day
> 
> im not tryna come after aria or ariel but if the shoe fits
> 
> title from Flicker by Niall Horan which you should absolutely listen to immediately

Sonny was always sensitive. He felt everything that happened to him, his heart always on his sleeve. He loved with all his heart. He hated with all his soul. He grieved with all his mind. He knew this before he started working as a cop. He cried for hours when he was eight and his dog passed away. He cried for days when his he was seventeen and his first love cheated on him. He cried for weeks when he was 25 and his dad was in the hospital for his heart issues. 

When he started working at Homicide, he was affected by every case. The women got to him the worst. When he started at SVU, it only worsened. His skin thickened over time, but certain cases still took him days to recover from. He did everything in his power to get the criminals put away for life. He spent hours with Barba, going over similar cases, case laws, anything he could to get justice for the victim. 

While studying for the Bar he spent many late nights in Barba’s office, studying over dinner most nights. “I hate to say this, but you’re doing well, Carisi.” Barba tells Sonny during a pause in studying. 

Sonny’s heart jumps in his chest and he feels a grin grow on his face. “Uhm. Thanks, Barba.” He avoids Barba’s eyes.

Barba sighs, Sonny feels the green eyes piercing into his skin. “I think… I think you’ll do really well on the Bar.”

Sonny blushes and smiles, still looking at the ground in front of him.

 

When Sonny passes the Bar, on the first try, much to his own and to everyone else's surprise, the squad takes him out to celebrate. “Congratulations, Carisi.” Liv raises her glass, the rest of the squad cheers in Sonny’s honour. 

In a few hours the squad has dissipated and only Sonny and Barba remain. They sit pressed up against each other, still drinking, airing on the side of tipsy. “You did good, Carisi.” Barba says in between them. “I had no doubt that you had this in the bag.” 

Sonny’s heart pounds in his chest. “You’re only saying that ‘cause of the scotch.” he laughs.

“Maybe.” The serious tone in Barba’s voice causes him to meet the green eyes across from him. “But… I mean it.” Barba scoots closer. Sonny’s heart jumps in his chest again. Barba is almost in his lap, looking at his mouth. “You did good.” Sonny stays silent, unsure of what to say. 

Barba leans in, Sonny loses all thought when their lips meet.

 

Sonny wakes up in Rafael’s bed a few months later and knows he has to do it today. As much as it’s going to hurt. He walks out into the light of Rafael’s apartment. He finds the prosecutor sitting at the kitchen table, with a coffee and croissant from the bakery down the street. “Hey.” Sonny says, announcing his entry to the room. 

Sonny hates the way Rafael’s eyes light up when he sees him. “Hey, I got you a mocha and a slice of coffee cake.” 

Sonny hates himself. “Thanks.” He sits himself across from Rafael. “Uh. I want to talk to you.”

“Alright.” Rafael answers, warily maybe.

“I really don’t want to do this.” Sonny tries. 

“Sonny, spit it out.” 

“I think…” Sonny takes a deep breath. “I think we should end… this.”

Rafael hardly makes a face. “Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it?” 

“I don’t know what you want me to say. It had to happen at some point.” Sonny tries not to be upset at Barba’s lack of reaction, but he thought maybe it’d hurt him at least a little bit. Maybe he never mattered to Barba anyway, maybe he was only a warm mouth. Maybe he never felt the same way. “With our work… if someone had found out, we would both be out. It had to happen.” 

Sonny nods, his eyes start to sting. He stands from the table, and walks out.

 

The months following are rough. Sonny tries to get over Barba. He really tries. It doesn’t work. Instead he just gets angry. He meets Aria at a bar one night. They go home together. They’re happy for a little while. She fills the space he created in his soul. 

She doesn’t like anything he does. She doesn’t like Italian food. She prefers the Yankees. She would rather watch The Voice than The Bachelorette. He tells himself that opposites attract. That’s why they work. She’s a reporter, she understands his crazy schedule. He almost doesn’t mind when she refuses to call him Sonny. 

In the midst of a tough case involving a missing girl, Sonny gets the squad coffee and sees a headline involving the case. Usually he doesn’t mind when cases are in the news, especially one as heavily covered as this. He read the article while in line. Everything was true and Sonny was content with it. 

Then he saw his own name mentioned. 

 

He finds Aria at a raw food cart on the side of the street. He tries not to yell, but he’s fuming. “Hey. What is this?” he says, rounding the corner, rain falling around him. “What I told you about Emma, I told you in confidence, Aria!” 

He could tell she was coming up with an excuse. “I know how this might look, Dominick, but you got it wrong.” 

“Oh? I got it wrong? Then why is it the headline?” He knows he shouldn’t be yelling, he’s working on not yelling anymore, but this is bad. Aria opens her mouth to answer, but Sonny cuts in. “Look, we’re not even positive that this girl is Emma Lawrence.”

“You weren’t the source.” Aria fights. Sonny knows she’s lying through her teeth. 

“Okay, who was then?” 

“Someone… close to the investigation.” She hesitates. 

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means what it means you know I can’t reveal a source.” 

Sonny’s anger grows with every word that falls from her lips. “Do not hide behind journalist speak right now. I might be in real trouble with my Lieutenant over this.” 

“It wasn’t you! Are you saying you don’t believe me?” Sonny knows she’s trying to turn it on him. Nothing could ever be her fault.

“No, what I’m saying is I would’ve appreciated a heads up.”

“Dominick.” She says sternly.

“No.” he says, not giving her a chance to speak. “I gotta get to work.” 

He doesn’t give her a chance to respond.

 

He walks up to Barba’s door late that night, after Liv has told the squad to go home. He’s surprised Barba isn’t still at the office or at some bar drinking away the case. Barba opens the door after Sonny knocks twice. “Carisi? Did something happen with the case?”

“No. I mean, kind of? Can I come in?” Barba hesitates for a minute before stepping back and making room for Sonny to enter. “Um. I just got back from work. I had to explain to Liv what happened in the headlines. I don’t know if you saw but… uhm… a journalist… my girlfriend, well, ex girlfriend now-”

“Carisi, spit it out.”  
“She used something I told her in confidence about the case in a story and Liv… was understanding, but yeah. Just thought I should… tell you.” Sonny explains.

“Okay. Why did you come all the way here to tell me that? I could’ve found that out from Liv.” Barba asks, brow furrowed.

Sonny stares at the ground. “Um. What Aria- the journalist did today made me realise how not great she treated me. She kinda manipulated me, I guess. Everything was always my fault. She didn’t even like Italian food, for God’s sake.”

Barba laughed bitterly. “Why are you telling me this?” he asks, almost sadly.

“I was wrong.”

“What?”

“I was wrong, we didn’t have to end it back then.”

“Sonny…” Rafael warns.

“No. Just listen to me. For a few minutes then you can talk, say whatever you need to say.” Rafael nods. “Today made me realise how much I missed having someone on my side for once. We didn’t have to end it then, it doesn’t have to still be ended. I know there’s work and stuff, but there’s disclosure forms and the squad wouldn’t mind. And-”

“Sonny.” Rafael interrupts Sonny’s tangent.

Sonny meets Rafael’s eyes. “I’m so sorry.” he whispers. “For ending it, for yelling at you, for telling Aria private information. I’m so sorry.”

Rafael takes Sonny’s face in his hands. “Hey, it’s not your fault that someone betrayed you.”

Sonny nods. “I miss you so much.” He feels his eyes start to sting. It’s been a long day. “I think… I think I was only with her because she filled the hole that I created by ending it… Except she filled it awfully and just made it worse as time went on.”

“I miss you too, mi amor.” Rafael says quietly back. He pulls Sonny into his arms. 

They stay like that for a long time before Sonny speaks. “I’m sorry for yelling at you all those times. I was hurt ‘cause when I ended it, you acted like you didn’t even care.”

“Of course I cared. I was upset for months, ask Liv. It killed me to see you everyday and know that you didn’t want to be with me anymore, but that’s what you wanted, so I let it happen.” 

“I’m sorry, Raf.” 

“I know.” Rafael leans and kisses Sonny like he did the first day, after Sonny passed the Bar. 

 

When Rafael rolls off of Sonny and Sonny rests his head on Rafael’s sweaty chest, Rafael speaks. “She seriously didn’t like Italian food and you still stayed with her?”

Sonny gives a breathy laugh. 

He’s happy again.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr at rafealbarba.tumblr.com


End file.
